EAST/WEST

This song was written, according to Tim Rice, under "protest and duress" at the insistence of Trevor Nunn, for the airport scene prior to "Anthem," and was sung by the CIA agents to Anatoly and Florence. Staged only once or twice at the first previews, no one can remember the melody, but it replaced "Embassy Lament," with the agents taking two sides--that of the east and west coasts of America. One reader of this website who saw the first preview says the melody was a jazzed up version of the Arbiter's lines in London's "The Deal" ("Isn't it strange the complications/People attach to situations..."). As the show was running over four hours during previews, the inclusion of this song obviously lengthened an already over-long show. The lead-in to this scene remains in the show as Walter leaves Florence and Anatoly with the line: "I'll have some food brought in."


JOE
Mr. Anderson said you were hungry.

FLORENCE
Thank you.
(short pause)

HAROLD
Been to America before?

ANATOLY
(without looking at him, shakes his head) No.

HAROLD
I think you'll like it. Most people do.

JOE
Though if it were up to me, I'd say go east not west.
(Anatoly looks at him)
East coast, I mean. I'm from New York myself.

HAROLD
Don't listen to him. I come from a place that is called California. For my money, the West is best.

EAST/WEST
EAST COAST
Now if you take my tip
You're gonna move your ass
To where the illuminati shine
To where our history's located
That means East
Where even bums have class
Where ever since Washington
The men who really count have operated

WEST COAST
I never met a man
Who didn't fall in love
With what's the nearest thing to paradise
This side of the Equator
That means West
Where you'll be hand in glove
With glamor and sunshine
And with room to move
The sea your alma mater

BOTH
You're gonna be free!
That's a situation which is
Almost unknown
In the world today
You're gonna find we've
An embarrassment of riches
In the East, West, middle
Of the USA

EAST COAST
Now I don't wanna knock
My fellow countryman
But out in the California sun
You live and die out on the freeway
Don't go West!
You'll never walk again.

WEST COAST
But everything's young and new and healthy
It's the how-it's-gonna-be way

BOTH
You're gonna be free!
That's a situation which is
Almost unknown
In the world today
You're gonna find we've
An embarrassment of riches
In the East, West, middle
Of the USA
So you see
You got
A very difficult decision
To be
Or not to be a Broadway baby or a beach bum

EAST COAST
Or you can lie back in the sunshine, never thinking at all!

BOTH
Lucky you--what
Tantalizing options from a come-and-get-it nation
How can you go wrong when it's an all-win situation?

You're gonna be free!
That's a situation which is
Almost unknown
In the world today.
You're gonna find we've
An embarrassment of riches
In the East, West, middle
Of the USA

WEST COAST
Now all my Eastern friends'
Atlantic overtures
Are all very well if what you want is
Claustrophobic competition
Don't go East
They got such dull brochures

EAST COAST
But everything's old and sane and proven
It's a haven of tradition

BOTH
You're gonna be free!
That's a situation which is
Almost unknown
In the world today
You're gonna find we've
An embarrassment of riches
In the East, West, middle
Of the USA
(As they finish:)

JOE
(To Florence:) We have this argument all the time.

(A Man appears at the door.)

THIRD MAN (Kip)
Harold. Joe. (They start to go)

HAROLD
Good luck.
(they go)

FLORENCE
I hope you find America all it's cracked up to be.

ANATOLY
In the Soviet Union, it is not cracked up to be all that much.