CHESS--The Musical--Signs You're Obsessed

1. You see anything to do with the game of chess and automatically assume it's about the musical.

2. You've never even seen a production of it, and you have a whole web site devoted to it.

3. You wonder about Florence and Anatoly's future.

4. You're ready at any moment to compare and contrast Elaine Paige and Judy Kuhn's Florences.

5. You get really hostile if you like the Broadway cast better and you meet someone who really likes the London, or vice versa.

6. You get yourself psyched up by singing "No Contest."

7. Your desire to play chess stems completely out of love for the musical.

8. When someone says, "Check!" you can't help but shout, "Never!"

9. You enter rooms screaming, "Listen, I hate to break up the mood."

10. You lock yourself in your bedroom when upset and belt along with your favorite rendition of "Pity the Child."

11. You buy albums because they have Chess songs on them.

12. You accuse classmates of cheating when they eat blueberry yogurt.

13. You bought an issue of Chess Life magazine just because Tim Rice was on the cover.

14. You find yourself drawn to black and white clothing.

15. You get out all the recordings you have of "Anthem" and play them back-to-back to try to decide which one is the most perfect.

16. When you're asked to rise to sing the anthem at a sporting event, for just a minute you expect to start, "No man, no madness. . ."

17. When you hear someone being called a lunatic, you cannot help yourself from adding, "That's the problem. He's a brilliant lunatic and you can't tell which way he'll jump--like his game he's impossible to analyse--you can't dissect him, predict him--which of course means he's not a lunatic at all."

18. When going to a job interview, you insist that both of you sit in Swedish (neutral) chairs.

19. Every time you turn a doorknob you cannot help but sing, "I open doors..."

20. Anytime you're setting the rules for a game, you feel an urge to sing the "Arbiter's Song."

21. You're willing to sit through an atrocious high school version just so you can say you've seen it.

22. You jump at any mention of the names: Kuhn, Paige, Head, Casnoff, Mitzman, Korberg, or Carroll.

23. You buy the 10th Anniversary Concert of Les Mis mostly because it features two Chess alums, Judy Kuhn and Tommy Korberg.

24. You follow anyone with a Russian accent around.

25. You're taking Russian as your foreign language exclusively because of Chess.

26. You're dying to hear the song "The Soviet Machine" just to hear Molokov drunk.

27. You read up on any info on Bobby Fischer's personality, because he reminds you of (and was modeled after) Freddie.

28. You look down the list of World Chess Champions expecting to see the names Trumper or Sergievsky.

29. You suddenly realize Russians have very sexy accents.

30. You can't decide whether you'd marry Freddie or Anatoly.

31. You can't decide whether you'd marry Florence or Svetlana.

32. You psycho-analyze Freddie during the song "Pity the Child," and, actually, during most of the show.

33. You have the screen name, MsVassy, FVassy, FlorenceVassy, lanasergievsky, SvetlanaSg, or another Chess character.

34. You wonder where you can get some of that great stuff the merchandisers sing about.

35. Whenever someone asks, "Whose side are you on?" you break into song.

36. When attempting to reach an agreement, you frequently feel the urge to shout, "There's no deal!"

37. You wonder if your father isn't really your father but a CIA agent.

38. Some people can discuss the history of the game of chess. You, however, can sing it.

39. Mad at a friend, you say, "You want to lose your only friend, well keep it up--you're doing fine!"

40. You can actually understand every word in "A Model of Decorum and Tranquility."

41. You own karaoke Chess tapes.

42. You've ever debated on whether to vacation in Merano, Bangkok, or Budapest.

43. You've ever referred to anything as a "minor sporting triumph."

44. You wonder who the better player really is: Freddie or Anatoly.

45. Anytime you hear the phrase, "Any objections?" you're the only one who shouts, "Nein!"

46. You have a Chess song for every relationship you have, every break-up, every major milestone in your life...

47. You wonder if Freddie or Anatoly would have had better luck with Deep Blue.

48. If someone asks whose side you're on, you very seriously reply, "Nobody's on nobody's side."

49. You feel it is your duty to force Chess upon people, frequently making copies of the cast recordings for others and saying, "You have to love this!"

50. You feel pretty good about yourself when you turn someone else into a Chess freak.